Let’s get one thing straight: we shouldn’t compare the road travelled by the Philadelphia Eagles en route to their Super Bowl LVII berth—particularly over the second half of their season through the postseason—to a cake walk.
That’s not fair.
Because I actually think it’s more difficult to walk around in a circle while holding a cake1 than it is to win out against the group of quarterbacks the Eagles faced from December onwards2.
Bravo, Philly fans. You have so much to be proud of.
So please, go on and belt your immusical, ill-sounding, and inharmonious “Fly Eagles Fly” fight song3 in celebration of the fact that in the NFC Championship Game, you defeated a team forced to play its fourth-string quarterback, and later returned to its third string quarterback (with a torn elbow ligament in his throwing arm) leading to said offense literally refusing to throw the football.
Congratulations. This win was so on brand for your “dominance” this season.
Speaking of on brand: the only thing worse than Philadelphia enjoying a second Super Bowl appearance in five years is the fact that the lewd, repugnant, clueless, and lowbred boors that make up the vast majority of Eagles fandom will be the ones enjoying those revels.
We already have video evidence that watching a game at Lincoln Financial Field as a fan of the visiting team is basically Dante’s 10th circle of Hell.
But lest we think that Eagles fans somehow peaked in their level of abhorrence the last time they hosted the NFC Championship Game, they assured us that they still had another level of putridity to which they could stoop.
Fueled by cigarettes from a serving tray, boxed wine, and Natty Light, Eagles fans would have us bear witness to:
Hurling eggs at fans who made the mistake of rooting for the visiting team
Teaching their adolescent children to flick off 49ers fans in attendance.
Chanting “Let’s Go Brandon” when Dr. Jill Biden—you know, the First Lady of the United States—was shown on the Jumbotron.
Then again, I’d expect nothing less when even the team’s head coach is a colossal douchebag.
So, speaking on behalf of literally everyone outside of the Philadelphia and its suburbs: go on and pat yourselves on the back for the “extraordinary” effort it took to get here.
Try and convince us your fan base shouldn’t be stereotyped by “just a few bad apples” (and we should ignore this one or this one or this one or this one).
Tell us how you all have supported Jalen Hurts from day one5, and how you never wavered in your belief of Nick Sirianni and have never said things like he should quit and he's clearly in over his head and he's the worst coach the Eagles have had since Richie Kotite (!!).
Pretend like your city’s championship appearance is going to end differently than it did in the World Series.
The rest of the football viewing world hopes all your jubilations go as well for you as they did for these folks sitting on top of the SEPTA bus stand, for good reason.
In other words: even if we didn’t want to root against your team, you make it really easy for everyone.
So, go Kansas City.
[Full disclosure: yes, I am very salty that the Eagles have advanced to the Super Bowl for the third time since 2004, while I must relegate myself to the fact that I very likely won’t see the Washington Redskins6 advance to a Super Bowl—let alone win one—before I’m dead and gone.] ■
To the best of my recollection, a “cake walk” was basically the equivalent of musical chairs—except instead of walking around chairs and hoping to sit down, you walked on a flat path of distanced steps, hoping that you were on one of the steps when the music stopped… and you did so while holding a box comprising a to-be-determined type of cake, which you got to keep if you won the cake walk. So again: musical chairs, minus the chairs, and with cakes instead. Regardless, this strange activity I’m remembering has literally nothing to do with what a cakewalk actually is.
Two additional points here:
Between Weeks 13 through 15, the Eagles faced Ryan Tannehill, Daniel Jones, and Justin Fields.
In that Week 15 game against the Chicago Bears, the Eagles clung to a four-point lead until late in the fourth quarter, despite the fact that Chicago amassed a grand total of 32 yards of offense in their five drives coming out of halftime.
This is where I would say something like “the main purpose of Philadelphia’s fight song is to help teach its otherwise illiterate fan base how to spell the team name”… but I’ll be nice and not say it.
You know you have a deplorable fan base when you’re making me take the side of a member of the unapologetically racist Bosa family.
I won’t let anybody even dare to forget the legitimate questions and doubts the Eagles had about Jalen Hurts as their starting quarterback for the 2022 season.
Yes, of course I know they renamed the team. But I’ll be damned if I refer to them by the stupid new name.