Super Bowl LIX Preview: Nobody Wins II
Pick Your (football) Poison, America.
This past week might've comprised the most ignorable (if not insufferable) week of NFL football content in recent memory.
Despite the media's obligation to publish their requisite pre-Super Bowl LIX content, I think it’s safe to say that, even as divided as our society is in the United States in this day and age, at least 90% of the football-viewing public can align around the idea that we don’t want to see neither the Kansas City Chiefs nor the Philadelphia Eagles win on Sunday
Seriously: if you live in the 46 the other states that aren't Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Missouri, or Kansas, what modicum of interest would you have in 1) either team winning the Super Bowl; or 2) even watching the Super Bowl to begin with?1
The Chiefs shouldn't be as unlikable as they currently are. They are a football dynasty in the making, closing in on not only a 3-peat2, but also becoming only the second team in NFL history to win four Super Bowls in six years3. They're led by a quarterback in Patrick Mahomes who is both genuinely likable human being4 and already one of the three-to-five greatest players at his position ever. As much as the casual fans want to talk about Mahomes and Travis Kelce and other vapidly-tangential fantasy football banalities, the Chiefs' defense under Steve Spagnuolo has not-so-secretly been the foundation of much of their success this year. Put simply: this is as formidably balanced as they are a star-studded team.
And yet, they somehow make you feel incredibly gross to root for. Maybe it's because we're tired of seeing them win5. Maybe it's because it makes you feel like rooting for them makes you a front-runner like so many fans of the Dallas Cowboys in the 1990's or the New England Patriots in the 2000's. Maybe it's because rooting for them means you're rooting "the corporate machine" comprised of all the Taylor Swift nonsense, the incessant State Farm commercials, and the countless promos for the Kelce Brothers podcast.
Regardless, "I really want the Chiefs to win" is not something you want to say out loud, if you want to endear yourself to the rest of the football world.
And then there's the Eagles. Whew, where do we start? Let's put aside the fact that nobody with a conscience could (or should) want anything nice to happen to Philadelphia sports fans, who are among the most vile, despicable, lowest IQ, loathsome fans in America (seriously, you could swap out 99% of Philadelphia sports fandom with the inmates at Arkham Asylum, and nobody would know the difference.6)
Even on a football level, nobody wants to talk about the masterful team-building job that Howie Roseman has done with the 2024 edition of this team.
Rather , we’re subjected to puff-piece angles like:
“What will a Super Bowl win mean for Saquon Barkley’s legacy?”7
“What drives Jalen Hurts’ motivation to win this return trip to the Super Bowl?”8
“Why does everyone hate Nick Sirianni even though he’s just a winner!?!”9
Give credit where credit is due: we’ve somehow made an already-unlikable team that much more unlikable.
Despite what the empty-calorie content being pumped out (like the stuff above) will tell you, there is no feel-good story arc that will come out of an Eagles’ victory. Rooting for the Eagles is NOT the same as cheering for a scrappy Rocky Balboa-esque contender to shock the world.
Rather, if did analogize this Super Bowl to some twisted combat sports match, rooting for the Chiefs would be like cheering for Mark Zuckerberg (the soulless corporate megalodon)10, and rooting for the Eagles would be like cheering for Jake Paul ('roided up human smegma)11.
And yet, unfortunately, one of those two has to win. Regardless, both sides are going to get paid for just showing up. And the corporate powers-that-be that are putting on this travesty of an event will rake in millions.
And once again, it’s the vast majority of Americans who end up losing.
Prediction: (dear God, let Kansas City win). ■
As one popular meme stated: the best possible outcome of this Chiefs vs. Eagles game is a meteor striking the stadium.
I've said this since before the season even started and maintained it throughout: this Chiefs' 3-peat run feels a lot like the '98 Bulls. We can drum up stories about the team running out of gas and not being as good as previous iterations—but we all know how this story ends.
The Pittsburgh Steelers are the only other team to accomplish this, doing so between 1975-1980.
It’s a pity that everything around Mahomes/in his immediate orbit—his fame-whoring wife, his no-talent-ass-clown brother, his “would rather drive drunk than call an Uber” father—are the things that tarnish his legacy.
Every time I see fans start to turn against a dynasty-in-the-making type of team, I’m always reminded of the brilliant line recited in The Dark Knight by Harvey Dent (aka Two-Face): “You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Gives me goosebumps every time I hear it. God, that movie is amazing.
I really didn't originally intend to have so many Batman references in this column.
Saquon Barkley’s production in 2024 falls under what I call the “Mooj’s Sister Corollary”— remember in The 40-Year Old Virgin when Mooj told Jay: “Everybody’s dick looks big on a 60-inch TV. My sister's dick look big on a 60-inch TV.”
The same principle can be applied Barkley’s production in 2024: everybody looks good running behind the Eagles’ offensive line. Do you really think there aren’t at least 10 other running backs who could’ve gotten 1,500 yards behind the same group? Would now be a good time to remind you that we’re only three seasons removed from Miles-fucking-Sanders running for 1,269 yards behind essentially the same unit—and he's one small step away from being out of the NFL entirely?
Hurts is the most ‘caretaker’ (read: least capable or valuable), "just don't fuck up out there" quarterback to start a Super Bowl game since Trent Dilfer did two-and-a-half decades ago.
Why are we praising Nick Sirianni in any capacity, when he was effectively mandated to hire a new offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator this past season—and once they were hired two excellent candidates (Kellen Moore and Vic Fangio), all of a sudden the Eagles became the best team in the conference?
Sirianni is like the guy who gets an "A" for a group project in quantum physics, when the rest of his team is comprised of a bunch of Nobel Laureates, and all he did was show up and provide donuts for the group's working sessions—and then spent his time shoving his finger up his nose and counting his nose hairs one-by-one while the rest of the team was doing all the work.
This analogy isn’t that far-fetched, given Zuck’s desire to compete in the UFC.
I want to be as clear as I can be here: as devastated as I am that my beloved Washington Commanders (the name is here to stay so learn to love it like I have) aren't the ones playing in the Super Bowl, they were conclusively outplayed in the NFC Championship Game by a more Super Bowl-ready team—the latter of whom capitalized on the brutal mistakes made by the Commanders, and punished them accordingly.
In other words: Philadelphia beat Washington, clearly and decisively (if not lopsidedly), for the right to go to the Super Bowl. The Eagles were the better team for majority of the 2024-2025 NFL season, and they were the better team in the NFC Championship game. No sour grapes. Just facts.